omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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