I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
