Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
