Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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