better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
