why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
