what day is it and did you see me today?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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