neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
