sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize