I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
my liver is dry heaving
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
