so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
