In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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