got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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