I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
