I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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