Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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