You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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