I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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