i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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