no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
