A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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