I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize