her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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