Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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