Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
