i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
