so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
