bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
