Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
