I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
