last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
