Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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