Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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