We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
