I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
