Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
