I bet he comes in French.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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