Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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