I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
