Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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