Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
