You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
