I just pynch a tree in the face
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Green mimosas i think yes
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
