She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
