I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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