I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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