I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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