i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
