You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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