Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
