She went from zero to smokin in five shots
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
