So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
