Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
